I had a chat with one of my oldest best friends - J-3 - and he bluntly stated a truth which I tried to sink into real life truth.

I am an artist. I am not happy, I am not blooming, I am not psychologically healthy in real life fields where my creativity is repressed or unused or ignored. You cannot fight against your nature. You are a girl - you can't expect to grow a dick and be a boy the next day. You are an artist, you can't expect to have divine intervention and be a doctor or a secretary the next day and totally adore your job.

I feel like I failed at life because at 26 I did what I thought would be a decent Plan A, stable basis, in the work field only to be epically deceived and feeling bad useless. I remember how my sister in her teenage-hood was all about questioning herself and what career she would do. I never had such moments, because for me it was clear : I wanted to be a librarian, work with books and knowledge, share the knowledge, catalog it, take care of it, restore it (especially very old historical books in antique stores and such).

I let my parents guide my life and they said that being a librarian was epic fail. So I got a few dreams crushed and closed that door. My father found this school for me - Calixa-Lavallée where I followed a graphic design professional course only to end up in a working market so saturated that we had serious issues finding stage (internship places) not to mention an actual work. Than, I listened to my mom and did college in Medical Archiving (she always wanted me to work in a hospital, with the papers, secretary or something, and archivist is better than secretary) ... 3 years of mysery, pain, costly private college that actually got me a 3 month job in a place where the didn't even required all my knowledge and skills ! And, why pay a graduate girl 16 the hour when a student can do the work for 12$.

I felt like a repetition. Follow advice, be nice, respectful of their parenting role and advices, I did their schools and even though they wanted to help me - it was NOT made for me. Both did bring me something but ... not the final stability that I always craved for throughout my life. I did the schools, got the diplomas, I even excelled at the graphic school - but because I don't like modern abstract yucky 2 line sort of art - I am not urban and modern, my portfolio is worth poop.

So now it's my turn. I know I am good at taking pictures, at capturing a specific mood and ambiance, a color, a magic in the moment of life. I know I am good at writing too, I have been writing short stories since ... 10 years old. I made beautiful covers for my stories, stapled together the sheets and put them in bigger binders. Never threw them away.

So I have taken a few decisions.

I will buy a Canon Eos 50D camera - used - from Kijiji (that's local Craig List or Ebay here in Montreal)
I will get tattooed - I already have my designs - just need to find the right artist to do it
I will do that journalism course in University and work my butt off to ace it !
I will publish books and articles and photography and make myself a reputation !
I will move and live in Brittany one day ! I don't know when, but I know where