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About Me Official Beta Tester Comment Addict Emilia Ildiko Tokes26/Female/Canada Group group avatar #DontGiveUpOnDA
Only cowards give up!
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Stella

At the crossroads

Tue Feb 9, 2010, 1:08 PM



I had a chat with one of my oldest best friends - J-3 - and he bluntly stated a truth which I tried to sink into real life truth.

I am an artist. I am not happy, I am not blooming, I am not psychologically healthy in real life fields where my creativity is repressed or unused or ignored. You cannot fight against your nature. You are a girl - you can't expect to grow a dick and be a boy the next day. You are an artist, you can't expect to have divine intervention and be a doctor or a secretary the next day and totally adore your job.

I feel like I failed at life because at 26 I did what I thought would be a decent Plan A, stable basis, in the work field only to be epically deceived and feeling bad useless. I remember how my sister in her teenage-hood was all about questioning herself and what career she would do. I never had such moments, because for me it was clear : I wanted to be a librarian, work with books and knowledge, share the knowledge, catalog it, take care of it, restore it (especially very old historical books in antique stores and such).

I let my parents guide my life and they said that being a librarian was epic fail. So I got a few dreams crushed and closed that door. My father found this school for me - Calixa-Lavallée where I followed a graphic design professional course only to end up in a working market so saturated that we had serious issues finding stage (internship places) not to mention an actual work. Than, I listened to my mom and did college in Medical Archiving (she always wanted me to work in a hospital, with the papers, secretary or something, and archivist is better than secretary) ... 3 years of mysery, pain, costly private college that actually got me a 3 month job in a place where the didn't even required all my knowledge and skills ! And, why pay a graduate girl 16 the hour when a student can do the work for 12$.

I felt like a repetition. Follow advice, be nice, respectful of their parenting role and advices, I did their schools and even though they wanted to help me - it was NOT made for me. Both did bring me something but ... not the final stability that I always craved for throughout my life. I did the schools, got the diplomas, I even excelled at the graphic school - but because I don't like modern abstract yucky 2 line sort of art - I am not urban and modern, my portfolio is worth poop.

So now it's my turn. I know I am good at taking pictures, at capturing a specific mood and ambiance, a color, a magic in the moment of life. I know I am good at writing too, I have been writing short stories since ... 10 years old. I made beautiful covers for my stories, stapled together the sheets and put them in bigger binders. Never threw them away.

So I have taken a few decisions.

:star: I will buy a Canon Eos 50D camera - used - from Kijiji (that's local Craig List or Ebay here in Montreal)
:star: I will get tattooed - I already have my designs - just need to find the right artist to do it
:star: I will do that journalism course in University and work my butt off to ace it !
:star: I will publish books and articles and photography and make myself a reputation !
:star: I will move and live in Brittany one day ! I don't know when, but I know where ;)









Skin made by *fantasy-alive
  • Mood: Optimism
  • Watching: Deep Blue Sea
  • Playing: -
  • Eating: -
  • Drinking: death cola

deviantID

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Devious Info

  • Current Residence: my room, montreal, québec, canada
  • deviantWEAR sizing preference: medium female I would guess ?
  • Interests: photoshop- dreams - books - gregorian chants - industrial goth - electro - Fixy-pie - Gnosticism
  • Favourite movie: The Re-animator - Fight Club - Stigmata - Ghost in the shell - Children of men - Poseidon (2000)
  • Favourite band or musician: TSOM, TSO, The CxS, Covenant, Gregorian, Zeromancer
  • Favourite genre of music: electronic - orchestra - gregorian chants - bubble pop - future pop - industrial metal
  • Favourite artist: Van gogh and many on this site
  • Favourite poet or writer: Charles Baudelaire - Judith Kellman - Daniel Pennac
  • Favourite photographer: me ^-^ - Perry Gallagher
  • Favourite style of art: fantasy - great art quality - eye catching - traditional - digital -
  • Operating System: Windows Vista Home Premium
  • MP3 player of choice: iPod touch
  • Shell of choice: Ghost in the Shell
  • Wallpaper of choice: Fixedys : Fractal Delight
  • Skin of choice: can I say Sabik's skin ?
  • Favourite game: Zuma !! Unreal Tournament 2004
  • Favourite gaming platform: my pillow .
  • Favourite cartoon character: Throttle (the biker mice from mars)
  • Personal Quote: We are all God,s OC's
  • Tools of the Trade: PHOTOSHOP CS3 for the win baby !!

My Other Sites

boooooooooo !

Comments


:iconselinkoseoglu:
thank you so much for the fav :aww:

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Selin KÖSEOĞLU
My Gallery - Trill
:iconailime:
:hug: you are totally welcome :D

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:bulletblack: If a vagina is art, so is a penis too.
:bulletblack: If a woman's ass hole is art, so is a man's ass hole too.
:bulletblack: If a woman's breasts is art, so is a man's chest too.
:bulletblack: If tied up women is art, so are tied up men too.
:iconcarrotstalker:
Umm, good luck with your war against the ...junk :faint: I've heard people complain about porn etc. on dA but I didn't know it was that bad... and they're not even filtered! :puke: :hug:

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Saying a camera takes nice pictures is like saying a guitar plays nice melodies.
:iconailime:
yahan ! they are sooo unclear about their rules ... lehanan had one of her recent pieces taken down because two boys were kissing and yet NOTHING else was shown, not even linked and this stays up because it's not "obvious" caught in action porn...

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:bulletblack: If a vagina is art, so is a penis too.
:bulletblack: If a woman's ass hole is art, so is a man's ass hole too.
:bulletblack: If a woman's breasts is art, so is a man's chest too.
:bulletblack: If tied up women is art, so are tied up men too.
:iconcarrotstalker:
Really? :O Maybe they don't have time to go through everything, but still.... And I don't get why someone would upload that stuff in the first place :x

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Saying a camera takes nice pictures is like saying a guitar plays nice melodies.
:iconailime:
This place has became pretty much facebook number 2 with art in prime - like a bonus.

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:bulletblack: If a vagina is art, so is a penis too.
:bulletblack: If a woman's ass hole is art, so is a man's ass hole too.
:bulletblack: If a woman's breasts is art, so is a man's chest too.
:bulletblack: If tied up women is art, so are tied up men too.
:iconcarrotstalker:
Mmm :(

--
Saying a camera takes nice pictures is like saying a guitar plays nice melodies.
:iconbypriorarrangement:
Thanks for :+fav: Pirate Treasure Hunt

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Smile and be Nice - Make the World a Happy Place :)

:clap: Creativity - a shred of order in a chaotic world! :bug:
:iconailime:
:tighthug: was my pleasure :D

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:bulletblack: If a vagina is art, so is a penis too.
:bulletblack: If a woman's ass hole is art, so is a man's ass hole too.
:bulletblack: If a woman's breasts is art, so is a man's chest too.
:bulletblack: If tied up women is art, so are tied up men too.
:iconranarh:
I'm delighted to be among your favourites! :)

You have a very nice profile page!

--
An entirely rational world view completely without mysticism is an absurdity. -Erwin Schrödinger, Nobel prize for physics 1933.
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Kiriban 12345!

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